Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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