I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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