I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He better not be in your backpack
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
