Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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