U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
