dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
