We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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