I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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