I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
