Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
