his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We were destined to go to rehab together
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
