Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
