Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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