Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
