I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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