You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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