at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
