It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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