Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
