I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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