If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's blow job season.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
