i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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