there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
