I think I died a long time ago.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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