i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
