Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
