My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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