Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
