My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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