That's intense
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
