Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
