Got a toothbrush?
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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