New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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