Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
