I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
