Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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