I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
