eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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