my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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