ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
