mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
