Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You took a bar mat shot.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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