i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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