I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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