We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Im part way to drunk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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