how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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