Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
