you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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