he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
