Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
